


Castiel's Role - for casquecest

by rosworms



Series: Fic for St. Jude Children's Research Hospital [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, Gen, cas and sam friendship, low self worth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2016-03-24
Packaged: 2018-05-28 17:20:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6338269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosworms/pseuds/rosworms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel thinks about his role in life and his feelings and what it means for him.</p>
<p>I am fundraising for St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. If you would like to donate and receive a fanfic, or you just want to donate... go to my tumblr page (rosworms) and ask me how.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Castiel's Role - for casquecest

Sometimes Castiel didn’t know what was him and what was human vessel.

He’d been alive, been existing for hundreds of thousands of years. Before the Earth, there was him. And he was a young one in the family of angels. He’d been inhabiting a vessel for about seven years.

Yet…

In the last few years, he’d felt this darkness. Not an evil, but a dark, heavy, depressing… depressing, yes. Depression. It seemed to get stronger the longer he stayed, yet he didn’t want to leave. He was closer, now, with his human friends than he was with his own kind.

But was this depression his own?

Yes, if he really looked back with open and discerning eyes.

As a young angel, watching the stars light up, never content with his life. As dust began to gather in one spot, wishing there was more. As the dust ball became a planet, not wanting to exist. When God formed the lands and the oceans, looking upon creation with numbness.

Being in a human vessel has only intensified these feelings, wonderings, and thoughts. But this vessel, while the appearance was still that of Jimmy Novak, was a vessel that had been created just for him by the very God that could not be found. Jimmy’s true vessel had been destroyed years ago.

So was the intensifying darkness all Castiel? Was some of it actually from the vessel?

As much as he wished it so, the healthy thing would be to admit the truth.

“Cas?”

The voice came from behind. Sam. 

Castiel stayed turned away, running his thumb over the jagged edge of the demon blade that the Winchesters used constantly to slay evil. The broken skin healed too quick for blood to bead up.

“Cas…?” Sam’s voice was closer now. Castiel could feel his soul approaching. It radiated concern and worry, signature emotes of that particular soul. Sam was always filled with concern for others, a desire to fix the problem, the hope that he could make things bearable.

So Castiel couldn’t understand his own reaction. Bristling, shoulders lifting, and the urge to get away from the well-meaning human behind him.

Sam’s hand touched him and he shrugged it off.

“You’ve been down here for a while. Are you okay?”

No.

“Yes, Sam. I’m fine.”

Sympathetic amusement. Castiel could see Sam’s sad smile in his mind.

“Cas, don’t say that. I’m a Winchester… I know what ‘fine’ means. You’re not fine.”

I’m really not.

“I am not a Winchester and my words are true. I wouldn’t lie.”

Did he really want Sam to believe him?

“As you once pointed out, you deceived us one time for a long time.” And now he was in front of Castiel, filling his vision. Sam’s hands were covering his own, gently pulling the knife away even though it couldn’t cause actual physical harm to the angel. “Cas, talk to me.”

“I’m not sure what to say.”

He really wasn’t. How do you explain such indescribable feelings? Did humans experience the same feelings? Were they capable of being so overwhelmed by intense feelings that they don’t know what to do except let them take over?

“Well, you’ve been… Cas, it hasn’t gone unnoticed that you’ve been depressed. If Dean weren’t so averse to talking about feelings, he’d probably have already said something to you.”

Castiel’s head shot up.

“I apologize if my manner has caused you distress.”

“Cas! We care about you. You don’t have to apologize for feeling something. I’ve been there… and you know I haven’t dealt with it in the most healthy ways. You’re family… and I want to help you. Just like you’d want to help me. Like you’ve tried to help me.”

The angel’s mind swirled.

“But…” It was hard for him to think that Sam and Dean might care for him as much as Sam said. He’d seen the brothers throw away everything, throw away the world, for the sake of each other. Castiel himself had died a few times for them. “I know my place in this fight. I know my role will never be as important or powerful as yours. My feelings don’t matter.”

“Wh-what?” Sam genuinely seemed confused. Castiel tilted his head, trying to figure that reaction out. It was as if Sam didn’t already know the facts.

“Sam, it is something I have known from the beginning. I am a tool to be used for the betterment of mankind. I am not important.”

“That’s… no. You are so important. To both of us. I… have we really? I am so sorry we’ve made you feel that way.” Sam was so sincere. Guilt radiated from him and made Castiel take a step back. “Cas… please. I’d be lost without you.”

Castiel pursed his lips and gave Sam an exasperated look. Lies. The hunter had to be lying to make him feel better.

“Sam, I broke the wall in your mind. I sent you into torturous insanity.”

“And I stabbed you with an angel blade.” Sam shrugged.

“It did nothing. Hardly makes up for my behavior at the time.”

“Cas, I’m trying to say…we’ve all done shitty things. But you’ve also played a big part in saving the world several times over. And you’re a part of my life now.” Sam’s hands were on each of Castiel’s shoulders now. He was a powerful angelic being, but he felt so small at that moment. Vulnerable.

“We… I… need you. You aren’t just important, but I enjoy you. Your company. Dude… even from the beginning when you were so stiff and unaware of so many subtle human things, you wormed your way into my… well, my heart. And now, you’ve grown so much and you have experienced so much. I just like having you around.”

His words, while unpolished, were real. They meant something. Sam cared. He truly cared, and not just for Castiel’s power. So he took a breath and a leap of faith, the same faith that Sam had shown over and over again.

“You… you are right, I have been feeling… it’s like a heavy darkness that threatens to drown me. And I don’t know how to fix it.”

Sam nodded, his brow wrinkling.

“Okay.. We’ll figure this out… but you won’t be alone. You’re not alone, Cas.”

As if a weight was lifted, Castiel could breathe a sigh of relief. He didn’t feel better, exactly, but he had hope that he could.

**Author's Note:**

> Go to my tumblr page and find out how you can get a fic written for you.


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